Adjusting to change

When adjusting to changing life circumstances, we often do not recognise how much we need to let go of in order to move on to the new. We may not adequately count the cost in advance.

These 'hidden losses' generate loss emotions even if the losses remain un-named. These emotional 'states of preparation', which protect us when faced with potential loss, may break into our overly-hopeful picture of the future, as if from somewhere indefinably deep, or as if slapping us on the back of the head like a 'wake-up' call. We end up criticising ourselves for having these emotions, such as anger and guilty feelings, because they may appear as if from nowhere. They make us believe there must be something wrong with us, generating negative self-beliefs such as, I'm dangerous, weak, useless, bad, going-mad, and so on.

But in fact all of our loss-related emotions are there for a survival purpose, as our energy on the move to make different sorts of adjustments to our changing circumstances. That's Emotional Logic. The process of adjustment is logical. It's also an emotional process, because emotion is your energy on the move to enable you to do what is necessary to re-connect. E-motion = energy in motion.

That's the useful purpose of grief. Loss-induced emotions move us to re-connect with others when change disrupts our existing connections through separation, brokenness or misunderstanding.

Negative self-beliefs, arising out of unrecognised grieving, mis-inform our sense of identity. Out of negative self-beliefs emerge our very thoughts. Curiously late in the process, these thoughts and day-dreams often seem to justify (in retrospect) our knee-jerk behavioural reactions.

In that time-delay, in the shadow, our false sense of identity nestles down to conceal its naked error from those who would love us - love us even with our grief.

So, much of our sense of identity, emerging as it does from emotional chaos, is partial adjustment. It is 'suspended not adjusting' in all the change going on around us, out of which, moment-by-moment, we are continuously forming.

It is resistance. It is rebellion.